Ðà çãîâîðû îá Àìåðèêå

[Happy_Julia]

Here's a joke I like. Hope you'll enjoy it too
Letter of enraged Italian

The Manager Y.M.C.A. Hotel London
Roma 28 Sept. 2003
Dear signore Direttore, noew I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at jour hotella.
I am a-comma from Roma as touristo to London and stay as a-younga christian man at your hotella.
When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep with no shit in my bed?
So I calla down receptione and tella: "I wanta shit".
They tella me: "Go to toilet".
I say: "No, no I wanta shit in my bed".
They say: "You'd better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch".
What is sonna-wa-bitch?
I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast.
I tella waitress: "I wanta piss".
She tella me: "Go to toilet".
I say: "No, no I wanta piss on my plate".
She then say to me: "You bloody wella not piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch".
This is the second person who do not even know me calla me "sonna-wa-bitch", and why is your staff replying "Go to toilet", is that a modern tella? I do no undestand, please tella me!
Later I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock.
I tella waitress: "I wanta fock".
And she tella me: "Sure, everyone wanta fock".
I tella her: "No, no you don't understanda me, I wanta fock here on the table".
She tella me: "So you sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table? Get your ass out of here!"
How comma this christian hotella tella the guest in such bad manner?
So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this hotel no more.
When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me: "Thank you, and piss on you".
I say: "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch. I now go back to my Italy".
Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-bitch.
Sincerely, Dicci Elgre.

[MaxiM]

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.''
The woman answered, ''Well, I have contakts.''
The policeman repied, ''I don`t care who you know! You`re getting a ticket!''

[MaxiM]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife`s voice urgently warning him, ''Herman, I just heard on the news that there`s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!''
''Heck,'' said Herman, ''It`s not just one car. It`s hundreds of them!''

[Helen_NJ]

"Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages" --Dave Barry

* * *

Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.

Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.

"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?" he asked.

"Actually," the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."

* * *

I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, gave me an very impolite gesture, and yelled, "Can't you see the light is still red, you MORON!?"

[Helen_NJ]

Think About It!

* Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

* Money isn't everything....there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

* Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

* Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

* The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

[Doxx]

[dimbur]

[Vecar]

Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watches which Swatch watch?
_________________
-Whatever happened to 'please' and 'thank you'?
-I think they've killed each other. You know, one of those murder-suicide deals

[Andrew]

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a
new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your
bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce
the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the
size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100
years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break
for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge
others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
_________________
Àíäðåé Ãåðàñèìîâ

[Helen_NJ]

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, gerry! Where do you think you are?"

The German fellow felt embarrassed for a moment, however he turned to the New Yorker and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really," he said with a heavy accent, "I just realized you actually came here for the food!"

[Andrew]

[Helen_NJ]

Cassie walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register she saw a display of caps with WWJD printed on all of them. She asked the clerk what the letters were supposed to mean, and the clerk replied that the letters stood for What Would Jesus Do, and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

Cassie thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I don't think Jesus would pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

[Helen_NJ]

You know how in first grade they used fruits to explain stuff like "one banana plus two bananas make three bananas"? Here's a list of high school math courses based on bananas:
-----
Algebra I - A
You have a negative banana (possibly made of antimatter). Add two bananas to it and you get one banana.

Algebra I - B
You have a banana. Factor it, or solve for apples using the quadratic formula.

Geometry
Prove : Bananas are not vegetables. Given : Bananas are fruits.

Algebra II
You have an imaginary banana. Square it, and you get one of those weird anti-matter bananas. The student learns that their dreams will become reality if they only raise them to the fourth power.

Pre-Calculus
What is the cosecant of Pi over 2 bananas in a unit apple?

Calculus AB
The student learns to find the slope of a banana.

Calculus BC
The student learns to find the slope of a banana and also to find the area under the banana.

[Helen_NJ]

Íåìíîãî öèòàò:

"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." - Jay Leno

"On this day in 1492, Columbus set sail from Europe, looking for a sea route to India - and ended up in America. And ironically, if you make a call from Europe to a company in America today - it's re-routed to India." - Jay Leno

"Do you watch "CSI: New York"? Tonight on "CSI: New York" it takes place at Yankee Stadium and they find a dead Red Sox fan. It's a big mystery. They find traces of gun powder, they find hair – and that's just in the hot dogs." -Dave Letterman

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" - Dave Barry

"Never eat any place where they mark the restroom doors in any way but "Men" and "Women" or "Ladies" and "Gentlemen." Especially don't eat in a restaurant that specializes in seafood and marks its restroom doors "Buoys" and "Gulls," because they have been too busy thinking up cutesy names for the restroom doors to really pay attention to the food." - Louis Grizzard

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch." -Woody Allen

[Slava]

[Helen_NJ]

[Helen_NJ]

Äîâîëüíî ñòàðàÿ, íî âñå åùå àêòóàëüíàÿ øóòêà:

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")

[Helen_NJ]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then
the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me those first two pennies?"

[Andrew]

[Helen_NJ]

Íåñêîëüêî öèòàò èç íåäàâíèõ ïîñòóïëåíèé:

"Today President Bush sent a congratulatory message to the new president of Azerbaijan. Bush also wished the president of Azerbaijan good luck in his fight against Harry Potter." - Conan O'Brien

"The American Film Institute did a survey of the greatest movie lines of all time. Do you know what was ranked #1? Clark Gable in Gone with the Wind, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." The least-popular movie line of all time? "Popcorn and your small soda, that'll be $9.75." - Jay Leno