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any jokes in english to post here!
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Foster
Новичок


Зарегистрирован: 28.05.2004
Сообщения: 25
Откуда: Moscow

СообщениеДобавлено: Пятница, Май 28, 2004 10:14pm    Заголовок сообщения: any jokes in english to post here! Ответить с цитатой

a new thread for jokes/whatever funny you have to post. you open it, you read some, then please add your own. because it's good to smile sometimes... Широкая улыбка

so, here it is -

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed at her "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover = $100.00.
Broken furniture = $200.00.
Breakfast = $10.00.
Saying the right thing = priceless

...NOW YOUR TURN, PEOPLE!
_________________
take care.
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Ane
Оптимистка


Зарегистрирован: 19.05.2004
Сообщения: 348

СообщениеДобавлено: Суббота, Май 29, 2004 1:00am    Заголовок сообщения: Re: any jokes in english to post here! Ответить с цитатой

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he
said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,
stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff
that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Подкалываю
_________________
"Когда одна дверь счастья закрывается, открывается другая; но мы часто не замечаем ее, уставившись взглядом в закрытую дверь"
Хелен Келлер
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Foster
Новичок


Зарегистрирован: 28.05.2004
Сообщения: 25
Откуда: Moscow

СообщениеДобавлено: Суббота, Май 29, 2004 3:27pm    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

like these? :)

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
_________________
take care.
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Ane
Оптимистка


Зарегистрирован: 19.05.2004
Сообщения: 348

СообщениеДобавлено: Суббота, Май 29, 2004 3:46pm    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

Foster писал(а):
like these? Улыбка

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Классно This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
1Классно Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.

LOL!!! Maybe Подкалываю
_________________
"Когда одна дверь счастья закрывается, открывается другая; но мы часто не замечаем ее, уставившись взглядом в закрытую дверь"
Хелен Келлер
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Foster
Новичок


Зарегистрирован: 28.05.2004
Сообщения: 25
Откуда: Moscow

СообщениеДобавлено: Воскресенье, Май 30, 2004 2:26pm    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

a real story.

a CORK radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make a logical sense. the prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
caller: "hi, my name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
caller: "goan... spelt 'G-O-A-N', pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "...you are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. now, for a trip to Bali: what sentence can you use that word in that would make sence?"
caller: "goan F*CK youself!"

the DJ cut the caller short and took jther calls, all unsuccessful, until:

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
caller: "hi, my name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
caller: "smee... spelt 'S-M-E-E', pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "...you are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. now, for a trip to Bali: what sentence can you use that word in that would make sence?"
caller: "SMEE AGAIN! GOAN F*CK YOURSELF!"
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Olga
Эксперт


Зарегистрирован: 05.03.2003
Сообщения: 97
Откуда: Рига - Москва

СообщениеДобавлено: Понедельник, Май 31, 2004 11:30am    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

The Pope is having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to empty his scrotal sacs, and this is one of these occasions. Just as he shoots his load, he sees a photo- grapher taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute," says the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This picture is my lottery win," says the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."

So the Pope offers to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of two million dollars. The Pope then dries himself off, and heads off with his new camera.

He meets his housekeeper, who spots the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost you?"

"Two million dollars," replies the Pope.

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" says the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming."
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Foster
Новичок


Зарегистрирован: 28.05.2004
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Откуда: Moscow

СообщениеДобавлено: Понедельник, Май 31, 2004 2:33pm    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.

But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.

"That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"
_________________
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Olena
Новичок


Зарегистрирован: 14.07.2004
Сообщения: 3
Откуда: Украина, Киев

СообщениеДобавлено: Среда, Июля 14, 2004 10:23am    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

Some things people really said in court
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Широкая улыбка
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Olena
Новичок


Зарегистрирован: 14.07.2004
Сообщения: 3
Откуда: Украина, Киев

СообщениеДобавлено: Среда, Июля 14, 2004 10:26am    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?
Подкалываю
Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy,
no investment to make, no money to lose!
Trust me. Try it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1. Hold down the shift key.
2. Hit the 4 key four times fast.
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Olena
Новичок


Зарегистрирован: 14.07.2004
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Откуда: Украина, Киев

СообщениеДобавлено: Четверг, Июля 15, 2004 1:39pm    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the remark:
"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question...
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
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Настя
Новичок


Зарегистрирован: 05.08.2004
Сообщения: 1
Откуда: Москва

СообщениеДобавлено: Понедельник, Августа 9, 2004 7:11am    Заголовок сообщения: A telephone joke Ответить с цитатой

Party Host: Hello?
Phone Caller: I’m trying to reach a
Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima.
Could you please ask if anybody at
your party knows her?
Party Host: I’d be glad to. Please hold
on. (yells) Excuse me, but does anybody
know Ima Nidiot?
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Helen_NJ
Житель форума


Зарегистрирован: 13.11.2003
Сообщения: 1539
Откуда: NC, USA

СообщениеДобавлено: Суббота, Ноября 6, 2004 2:25am    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

Haircuts

WOMEN:

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

MEN:

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.
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Andrew
Главный трепач


Зарегистрирован: 01.03.2003
Сообщения: 10421
Откуда: Иркутск, RU -> Los Angeles, US

СообщениеДобавлено: Суббота, Ноября 6, 2004 3:15am    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

Очень смешно!
_________________
Андрей Герасимов
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Vecar
Житель форума


Зарегистрирован: 14.11.2004
Сообщения: 315
Откуда: Зеленоград

СообщениеДобавлено: Четверг, Ноября 18, 2004 2:06pm    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

It's not brand new, but rather funny:

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides of the brain?"
The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."
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Helen_NJ
Житель форума


Зарегистрирован: 13.11.2003
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СообщениеДобавлено: Пятница, Ноября 19, 2004 3:10am    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

Haiku Computer Error Messages

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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Helen_NJ
Житель форума


Зарегистрирован: 13.11.2003
Сообщения: 1539
Откуда: NC, USA

СообщениеДобавлено: Пятница, Ноября 19, 2004 3:11am    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

Vecar писал(а):
on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left


Funny stuff. Напоминает старый анекдот застойных времен: "в "Известиях" больше правды, а в "Правде" больше известий". Широкая улыбка
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БЕЛКА
Новичок


Зарегистрирован: 26.11.2004
Сообщения: 12
Откуда: St. Pete

СообщениеДобавлено: Пятница, Ноября 26, 2004 12:32pm    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

Лондон, Трафальгарская площадь, всюду голуби. Благообразного вида старушка разбрасывает пшено...
Молодого человека, сидящего на скамейке, птицы уже изрядно достали - и он с криками "Fuсk оff!" пытается отогнать голубей.
Старушка: - Yоung mаn, dо nоt usе suсh wоrds! Just sау "shоо, birds, shоо!" - аnd thеу will fuсk оff...
_________________
If things were to be done twice, all would be wise!
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Andrew
Главный трепач


Зарегистрирован: 01.03.2003
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Откуда: Иркутск, RU -> Los Angeles, US

СообщениеДобавлено: Пятница, Ноября 26, 2004 2:16pm    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

БЕЛКА писал(а):
Лондон, Трафальгарская площадь, всюду голуби. Благообразного вида старушка разбрасывает пшено...
Молодого человека, сидящего на скамейке, птицы уже изрядно достали - и он с криками "Fuсk оff!" пытается отогнать голубей.
Старушка: - Yоung mаn, dо nоt usе suсh wоrds! Just sау "shоо, birds, shоо!" - аnd thеу will fuсk оff...

Смех
_________________
Андрей Герасимов
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Helen_NJ
Житель форума


Зарегистрирован: 13.11.2003
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Откуда: NC, USA

СообщениеДобавлено: Воскресенье, Ноября 28, 2004 10:07pm    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

Возвращаясь к теме топика:

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
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